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Funny Blaupunkt Commercial with Alex Peace - P.I.M.P

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the Chief Constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day…

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..

Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. box said “2-4 years!”

April

Trapped on escalator for hours ….. power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of

water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later,

the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..

car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???

October

Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour

per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn’t call 911 ….. “duh”…..there’s no “eleven”
Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

(Are you ready? This is a beauty…)

My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”